Saturday, January 14, 2012

Talents We would like to see on the Miss America pageant

Tonight we are watching the Miss America Pageant, or as it is better known, the national evening of celebrating institutionalized racism. Stone was particularly entranced by the bikini competition, though both of us wonder what people outside America must think of us for trotting out young women out in swim suits to be judged by the masses while basically naked. 

Moving on, here is a list of the special talents that Stone* and I would really like to see in future Miss America Pageants. 

  • Rock Climbing
  • How to change a tire
  • Pole dancing*
  • Houdini's metamorphosis
  • CPR demonstration
  • A short lecture on effective forms of birth control
  • Stand up comedy
  • How to peel a pound of garlic in under a minute
  • Live demonstration of five delicious things to do with pork fat
  • Fire eating*
  • A short grammar lesson on the top five misspelled / misused words in the English language
  • Sword swallowing*
  • On the fly translation of a paragraph from any language the contestant claims to be fluent in.
And how about a super sexy Winter-wear competition?


  1. How about:

    Efficient dish-washing techniques
    A grocery shopping bag unpacking race
    A short lecture on the various benefits of various credit cards
    And, competitive vacuum cleaning.

  2. felicity fairweatherJanuary 17, 2012 at 1:42 AM

    how bout a mini review of a book they read in the past month.